


Losing a Fight

by goldtoashes, heirsofbrokenlegacies (jarofhearts)



Series: Making the most of loving you [9]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: "Hunting Trips" as a Poor Excuse for Sexual Getaways, Arguing, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Relationship Issues, Years of the Trees, emotional rough sex, tensions among the Noldor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29588292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtoashes/pseuds/goldtoashes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarofhearts/pseuds/heirsofbrokenlegacies
Summary: Findekáno decides to bring up some issues that he feels have not been addressed for too long.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: Making the most of loving you [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034202
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	Losing a Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So, this was the final part of this little series - but don’t worry, there’s more to come. We have been working on a longer piece covering the story of how it all goes downhill from the exile to Formenos all the way to the darkening of Valinor and we’ll start posting that one relatively soon.

Later, I realised that it had been the calm before the storm.

I might have understood it earlier, had I been older and wiser, or had I had even the faintest idea that a storm of this magnitude was brewing in the first place. But I hadn’t, not yet. And so no wary thoughts had crossed my mind at the deceptive peacefulness of the late afternoon, the waning light of Laurelin falling through the windows and casting the room in a warm and golden light. 

Soaking my body in the hot mineral water from the spring relaxed each muscle in my body and eased any tensions that might have resulted from today’s endeavours. We had left Tirion with the first light of day, had hunted in the forests all morning and eventually had tumbled down onto the sheets the moment we had made it through the door of our very own hidden hunting lodge. I couldn’t think of a place these days that came closer to perfection for me than this little spot of our own that was far out in the wilderness and removed from the eyes of our families and the troubles in Tirion. Especially in moments like this, when I felt utterly sated and relaxed. My back rested comfortably against Nelyo’s chest, the hot water lazily bubbled around us, and my mind was so blissfully empty.

Fingertips danced over my collar, soft and unhurried, and Nelyo’s nose buried gently in the strands of my hair. I could feel his breath on my neck, the rise and fall of his chest against my back, slow and serene - just like everything I could feel over our bond: warmth and syrup and a muscle slowly letting loose. I hummed softly, lost in pure, unadulterated pleasure.

“Hmm… why don’t we just stay here.” It was out without me even being fully aware of what I was saying.

The water sloshed quietly, a familiar arm wrapped firmly around my shoulders from behind and held me close. That same lazy, content note still thrummed between us like the freshly plucked string of a harp.

“Yes,” Nelyo murmured against the curve of my neck, the sweet yearning of a dream in his voice.  _ Yes. _

“Yes?” Slowly, I let my fingertips trail along his thigh, lazily admiring its firm strength. “We  _ could  _ do it, you know, stay here forever… We’ll hunt for game in the woods, swim in the lakes, make love all day, and  _ never  _ return to Tirion.” I turned around halfway and pressed my lips to Nelyo’s collarbone. “Just say the word, love.”

He was silent for a while, his fingers still brushing idly over my shoulder. His lips were wandering slowly over the opposite curve to my neck and I could feel a soft smile curving on his lips. “You would love it for a while. And then get bored enough to go up the walls, wouldn’t you.”

It wasn’t a question. Still, I raised my eyebrows and playfully pinched his thigh. “You usually do a fairly good job of keeping me entertained.”

I was rewarded with a soft laugh against my neck and Nelyo’s arms now both wound around my waist. “And I suppose you expect me to craft your jewelry too… sew your fine clothes, make your fragrant soaps…”

“Why not? You’re a Noldo after all, aren’t you?” I teased and turned around fully so I could straddle him. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his hands instantly settled on my hips. “Besides, it took you less than a year to figure out the architecture of how to build this lodge. I’m sure you also have some hidden talents at the forge or with a needle or… whatever it is you need to make soap.”

Nelyo was looking up at me so fondly, head tipped up to me, brows arched and lips curved into an amused little smile. The touch of his hands on my hips and up my waist was of utmost gentleness, sure and familiar like on a path well trodden and loved.

“To be fair, you did help. And we are not all gifted with talents in every area, my little prince, and I am certain my skills would forsake me for those particular endeavors.”

“You won’t know that until you try,” I muttered and couldn’t help a warm shudder at the endearment. “In any case… I  _ really  _ don’t feel like going back.” Gently, I raised my hand to his face and traced the beloved and so familiar features. “I wonder… did you also have to explain to others why you  _ still _ like to go hunting with me?” 

He only hummed at first, eyes half closed and head tipping right into my touch. There was a quiet, contemplative quality to his expression.

“Well… not as such,” he finally answered, his smile shadowed as he admitted, “There were some comments. And looks.”

I could well imagine what kind of comments there had been. Probably not that different to the ones I had heard and that had felt surprisingly hurtful. A thinly veiled suggestion to maybe bring back some information here, a scathing joke about Nelyo’s family there. And a part of me didn’t want to think about it, not yet, not when we were here and everything was as perfect as it should be.

But we had to talk about it. Eventually.

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” I said, my voice trailing off as I struggled how to put my thoughts into words. But Nelyo must have felt that something more troubled had found its way into my mind, tainting the peacefulness we had lingered in before. His beautiful grey eyes were guarded as they took me in, even though the touches of his hands were still tender and he finally still prompted, “About what?”

“Us.” I took a deep breath, sobering a little. “I think we should finally tell people about us.”

His eyes shuttered instantly and he lowered his gaze. "Fin…"

“I know what you’re going to say,” I muttered and reached out to brush a copper strand behind a delicate ear, “but  _ think _ about it, Nelyo. The way things are… it might even become simpler for us eventually. At least our people would  _ know _ where our loyalties lie instead of talking and second-guessing both of us behind our backs.”

Before I had the chance to let my hand fall again, Nelyo caught it in his and brought it around to press a long, lingering kiss to the root of my thumb. "Or it could make everything worse," he said, a doubtful, pained edge to his voice.

“Or maybe it wouldn’t,” I said gently. “Look… we have tried waiting and it hasn’t helped. Don’t you think it would be about time to try something else?”

“Maybe we just haven’t done enough,” he murmured, but he wasn’t looking at me. I knew that in the face of how our fathers’ relationship had grown colder and colder over time, even he couldn’t entirely believe that anymore.

“Well, I wouldn’t know what else _ we  _ could do,” I shrugged. “But Curvo might have helped us unknowingly when he sired your adorable little nephew. Who looks as Noldo as they come. So wouldn’t you be off the hook now when it comes to the family heritage?”

As always when little Tyelpë was brought up, I could see Nelyo’s eyes lighten a little, even though the smile didn’t quite make it to his lips. But his arms wrapped more tightly around me and he pressed his lips to my shoulder.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be off the hook, as far as that goes.”

I sighed, an uneasy feeling stirring inside me as I absent-mindedly played with a strand of his copper hair. It still evaded me how it was even possible that my strong, willful husband became so disheartened every time the talk shifted towards Fëanáro. How I hated the sight, as if the light in his eyes would cloud over and become a little less bright within an instant.

“Well, then… maybe it is time to tell the world and your father that we don’t care.”

Nelyo gave a soft huff of a breath, and I waited in vain for his gaze to meet mine. “Do we not? About anything?”

I took a deep breath and reminded myself to stay patient. “What do you mean?”

He was quiet for a long moment. All that relaxation, that peacefulness seemed to have vanished from his face, from the line of his shoulders.

“Would your father make you choose? Are you not afraid of that at all?”

“No,” I replied immediately, more puzzled than anything else. “Well… at least I don’t think he…” The truth was, I had not even considered the  _ possibility _ up to his point. Of course my father had little warmth for his headstrong brother these days, but he usually did not interfere with my choices or those of my siblings. Of course we were talking about an entirely different magnitude of choice here, but still…

“And… it’s not like we can make a choice about that anyway, can we? I chose you a long time ago, it’s not as if I could take it back. Or would ever want to.” I hesitated for a moment before a new thought struck me and turned the feeling of unease into slowly simmering anger. “You think  _ your _ father would ask you to choose anyway?”

This time, Nelyo did look at me again, and there was something in his eyes that made me think that now it was him who was surprised that I even asked. “There’s no way he wouldn’t.”

I snorted in utter disbelief. “Well, he  _ can’t _ .”  _ Because you’re mine, _ I almost added but held it back in the last moment. It was not as if he couldn’t sense my annoyance anyway.

“Of course he can,” he huffed back, his hands curling around my hip. “And in the end, all my brothers get to choose as well, because you better believe he’d make it clear that there will be no such thing as  _ both ways _ .”

“Come on, Nelyo. You are your brothers’ hero, you practically raised all of them,” I argued, giving him an uncomprehending look. “They would never abandon you.”

Something flashed over his face that looked pained, as if he wanted to believe that but doubted it.

“Fin… please. If I thought I could tell everyone about us and have it all work out, I would have a long time ago. I don’t  _ want  _ to - I’m not ashamed of you. Never. But this would tear my family apart.”

All of a sudden, the air around us seemed to have gotten colder and I felt an uncomfortable shiver running down my back. “Well, I’m your family, too,” I said quietly, yet unable to ban the frustration from my voice entirely, “and I would  _ never _ ask you to make such a choice.”

"I know you would not." This time, his words came instantly - no doubt there at all. But the smile he gave me still wasn't one of happiness. "But unfortunately, not everyone is like you."

“No,” I said and slowly got down from Nelyo’s lap to sit next to him and sink deeper into the hot water. “But you deserve better than being treated like that. And if your family - if  _ your father  _ doesn’t realize that, well, he doesn’t deserve your loyalty either.”

Through our bond, I could feel something spike, a mix of emotions too tangled to unwrap. He raised his hand to run it through his hair, gathering back the half dried strands.

“What am I supposed to say to that? It is what it is, Fin.”

I gave him a look. “Well, if you don’t  _ do  _ something about it, it sure is what it is.”

Something flickered over his face that was more than a mere shadow passing. "Something like throw out all hesitation and lay it all out in the open?"

“That’s what I’m suggesting, yes,” I insisted, heart hammering in my chest. “Look, we’ve tried waiting, we’ve tried hesitation, it hasn’t done a thing for us. Maybe we should just tell everyone and… I don’t know, just see what happens.”

I didn't get a reply for a few long moments, the rapid beat of my heart rushing in my own ears as the only sound in our little bathroom. Nelyo’s face was unreadable, and there was just enough of a roar rising up somewhere in the back of his mind before it became numb and quiet for me and realized that he was deliberately retreating into himself.

"Did you not just say you would never make me choose?" he finally said and hoisted himself out of the water.

“I didn’t… that was  _ not  _ what I meant and you know it!” I insisted and glowered at him from out of the water. “What’s the alternative, then? Keep everything as it, hiding for infinity? Is that really what you want for us?”

“It’s  _ not  _ what I want for us!” Nelyo shot back, a towel in his hands with which he squeezed the water out of the lower part of his hair and then slung it around his waist. “But what if I still think it’s better than the alternative, with the way things are right now?”

“You don’t even know what the alternative  _ is _ . You’re just  _ assuming  _ the worst possible outcome!” I growled and hastened to get out of the pool when he moved in direction of the door. I had let him evade this very argument so often I couldn’t even remember anymore, but I was determined not to let him today. It was not that I wanted to argue with my husband, but at some point we  _ needed  _ to have this conversation.

Even if he didn't seem to agree with me.

"I suppose it must be easier to assume something else if you don't have anything to worry about in terms of ramifications," he shot back over his shoulder without turning to look at me.

“You know what the problem is?” I yelled after him and grabbed a towel for myself. The words that I had held back for so long were now practically spilling from my lips, unstoppable. “You, your brothers, and grandfather, too - you are all so used to tiptoeing around your father, and to not do anything that could ever displease him in the slightest. And you don’t even realize any more that you just let him terrorize all of you with his presumptuousness.”

Before I even knew it, Nelyo had rounded on me, an anger in his face that I didn't think I had ever seen directed at me.

" _ Don't _ ," he hissed, his grey eyes hard like steel. "Don't assume or talk like you know anything about it. Like you aren't just echoing your own father about mine."

Well, he might be right about that, but I certainly wouldn’t admit to it now. Instead, I crossed my arms in front of my chest, refusing to back down even an inch. Even if that meant I inconveniently had to look up to still meet Nelyo’s furious gaze.

“Right. Then look me in the eyes and tell me it isn’t so.”

“It doesn’t  _ matter _ .” As much as I wasn’t backing down, neither was he, his beautiful eyes hard and narrowed as he stared back at me. “Because either way, you don’t understand what you’re asking. So what are you going to do?”

“I am right, am I not,” I returned stubbornly. “And I suppose I plan to keep talking to you until you finally start to see reason.”

“Well good luck with that,” he huffed and finally turned away, striding out of the little bathroom without waiting for a reply. Rolling my eyes, I hurried to follow him into the main room of our cabin and grabbed his arm to make him turn and look at me.

“Stars, Nelyo,  _ wait.”  _

“For  _ what _ , Fin?” he shot back, an utterly frustrated look in his eyes as he glared back at me. I had to refrain from snapping back at him immediately.

“ _ Fine. _ This is not about your father, this is about  _ us _ , right?” I took a deep breath and refused to let go of his arm. “I don’t want to do this anymore, Nelyo. I’m sick and tired of this hiding game, of pretending and coming up with excuse after excuse. Of making up stories about where I am or what we’re doing when we’re together, of hearing people gossip about you or maidens swoon over you behind your back without me being able to tell them to back off.”

The muscles under my fingers were tight and tense, and there was still a trace of anger in his voice. But, at the same time, there was something unsteady about it when he shot back, “You’re saying that now, when you were always so  _ into  _ our hiding game. It wasn’t that long ago that you dragged me off and went down on me in Tiron’s library just behind a few shelves. You’ve always  _ loved  _ the thrill of the secret under everyone’s noses. So you finally got tired of that and just want to show me off now?”

The words felt surprisingly hurtful and without thinking, I snapped back, “And what if I  _ do _ ? You’re gorgeous and I love you, of course I want people to see that you’re married to me!” And even though I knew that I was hitting low, I couldn’t help adding, “ _ You’re  _ more to me than a nice distraction that warms my bed occasionally, you know.”

For a long moment, he only stared back at me, so silently that I heard nothing but the pounding of my heart in his ears. And suddenly something was bleeding through the cracks, something wild and pained, like a roar in the far distance.

“That’s what you think you are to me?”

_ No. I know, I know you… _

Sensing the hurt my angry words had caused, the reply seemed to be stuck in my throat. For a moment I just closed my eyes, overwhelmed by a pang of guilt, anger, despair, I didn’t even know.

“Nelyo…” It was the only thing I could think of to say, but it was enough. The wall he had put up around himself crumbled and we clashed as much in mind as in body, warm lips pressed to mine in a crushing, overwhelming kiss, an arm around my waist lifting me off my feet while a wave of _hurt, regret, sadness, love, love,_ _love_ washed over me.

_ Stars.  _ I couldn’t even think, not of anything that wasn’t Nelyo’s lips taking my breath away, his strong arm around me, the powerful sensations rushing through me, crushing over any restraints I might have had. And so I didn’t think, just wrapped his arms around his shoulders and my legs around his waist to pull him close,  _ closer.  _ Meeting his demand with my own, I poured both my frustration and my desperate longing into the kiss, my teeth closing around his lower lip.  _ Nelyo, my beloved Nelyo, damn you, I’ll go mad if you don’t  _ -

He had to feel the urgency of my needs as clearly as if I had spoken them out loud, because what I received in return was a rush of need and reassurance, a half-formed  _ I know, I know, me too _ .

Just a few steps instantly brought us right over to our bed, his towel falling away somewhere between here and there - a blessing, really, because I did not think I could have stomached even that flimsy barrier between us right now. Nelyo’s lips on mine were searing, kissing me breathless until I felt dizzy and light-headed, even though that could not have taken more than a few frantic heartbeats. I groaned and my hand found its way into his copper hair and closed around it not too gently, while the other ran possessively over his back. Legs tangling, I pressed my hips against his, tried to pull him close,  _ closer _ , driven by the primal, desperate urge to have him in the only way I could, the only way we could truly be together. The sensation was so strong that I hissed unwillingly when I sensed that he was trying to pull away, probably to look for the oil we had used before.

“Don’t.” My voice had a rough note to it when I pulled him back down immediately. A quick bite to his neck was followed by more hungry kisses on skin still hot and damp from the bath.

“Fin -”

But he broke it off with a groan before he even had the chance to finish the thought - or maybe he realized that he really shouldn’t. I could feel it teetering on the tip of his tongue, the concern that would always be there. But another warning bite made him swallow his words and reach down between our bodies.

The bath hadn’t washed every trace of our previous lovemaking away, so when he pushed in, there was just that right amount of twinge I had been chasing. Gasping, my eyes fell shut for a moment, relishing in the mix of pain and pleasure and, most importantly, the overwhelming sensation that right here, right now, Nelyo was  _ mine _ alone. And I wanted him, wanted  _ all  _ of him, his anger, his hurt, his doubts, wanted to hold on to him for as long as I possibly could. 

Nudging his head, I pressed our foreheads together. It was a short, tender gesture that stood in contrast to the way my hips challengingly pressed against his, my thighs pulling him closer, urging him to go on.

_ Come on now, love, let me feel this. Don’t you dare hold back. _

His eyes were close and intense while he just  _ looked  _ at me, throat working as he swallowed. But he didn’t argue, didn’t hesitate once he found what he’d been looking for, and when his head dipped down to capture my lips in another deep kiss, he started to move.

It wasn’t gentle or slow or tender, not even the buildup. There  _ was  _ no buildup, just an instant, urgent drive of bodies meeting rough and fast, with no room to slow down, smile, murmur, caress or play - none of what we always did, on any other day. There was something  _ unravelling _ when he did as I had urged him to and truly let go. All those frustrations and fears and doubts cracking open under quick and hard thrusts, as if they could help break all the reasons for why we had fought in the first place.

But underneath it all ran that undeniable, dizzying intensity of that desperate wish to hold, keep,  _ mine, mine, mine,  _ **_yours_ ** … 

Like a spark that caught fire between us, I lost myself in his burning desire. Our fingers were digging deeply into skin and muscle, in a desperate attempt to pull each other  _ closer,  _ clawing in a desperate attempt to melt into one another. With feverish urgency, our lips were caressing every inch of hot skin they could touch, demandingly, possessively, teeth closing down not too gently, red marks scattered over fair skin. At some point I believed I was screaming, or maybe it was him. I wasn’t sure but it also did not matter. What mattered was that for a few, precious moments, we could forget anything that wasn’t the joint beating of our hearts, the ecstasy rushing us away, our minds and bodies in the perfect unison they were supposed to be. 

It felt like it was over too fast, like that desperate, perfect thing was already slipping through our fingers again when we lay together in the aftermath, hearts thumping and breaths loud in the quietness of our little sanctuary.

His face was nestled close to mine, head heavy on my shoulder. But he had wrapped me up in his arms like he was afraid I would slip away too, as if there was nothing as important to him as keeping me close, right there. I slowly carded my fingers through his copper hair that tumbled down onto his shoulders. Fleetingly, my fingers brushed over a bite mark that began to form there, although I was far from feeling sorry for it.

The silence stretched on, and for the first time ever, I wondered if it was even a comfortable one at all.


End file.
